September 22, 2008

Dancing with the Stars: The One Where Cloris Leachman's Boobs Got More Attention Than Kim Kardashian's.

Ah, the early moments of a Dancing with the Stars season. Rhinestones! Tanning! Celebrations over 8's! New things: Carrie-Ann has a more natural hair color and looked lovely, Bruno wore a sparkly suit and looked like the Mirrorball Trophy. It's good to be home.

Everyone danced for maybe 30 seconds, so this is hardly an accurate gauge of how the season could play out. Still, on with the recaps!

Cody Linley and Julianne Hough: It's tough being the first couple out, and I think they were scored kind of low. They definitely have potential, and they win the Barbie and Ken award for being blonde and cute. I think Cody could do really well in the Latin round.

Rocco DiSpirito and Karina Smirnoff: Well, if nothing else, they're the tannest couple on the show. Karina gets bonus points for dancing on a sprained ankle, but then loses those points for wearing glued-on feathery pants. And as Tom expertly pointed out, I can't remember the last time we saw a 4. But it wasn't the only one of the night!

Toni Braxton and Alec Mazo: Lots of Botox, lots of flailing. Heart disease blah blah blah. Yawn. (Also, did anyone else notice that when the camera panned to Shannon Elizabeth in the audience, she STILL appeared to be on the verge of tears?)

Maurice Greene and Cheryl Burke: Hmm - a foxtrot to "Funky Good Time"? Opening it with awkward disco moves? He does have a certain "Carlton" charm, but I don't know how far that will take him.

Brooke Burke and Derek Hough: Brooke is probably the best looking mother of four, um, ever, but she looks a little awkward. But that's probably also because Derek is so over-flamboyant, so she has a reason to be scared. I bet Shannon Elizabeth burst into tears during this ... tears of jealousy.

Ted McGinley and Inna Brayer: Are Ted and Wayne Newton sharing the same self-tanner? That is one orange man. But he is kind of charming. Not sure how I feel about Inna yet - she reminds me of a poor man's Anya from SYTYCD.

Lance Bass and Lacey Schwimmer: Remember when I said these guys were the ones to beat? Yeah.

Cloris Leachman and Corky Ballas: Cloris shook her boobs at the camera prior to a commercial break. Corky introduced himself by looking creepily at the camera and saying "Who's your daddy?"MAKE IT STOP. I mean, when Len tells an 82 year old to mind her cleavage, you know we've entered the twilight zone. And it's weird. And not funny. Cloris also called Len a bastard and Bruno a shit, both of which are DWTS firsts and were bleeped by ABC. Oh, and in between all this, she stumbled/was dragged around the floor. Call me old-fashioned (pun intended), but I thought this was a DANCING show, not Crazy Granny's Happy Hour.

Jeffrey Ross and Edyta Sliwinska: Poor poor Edyta. Again. She's the Susan Lucci of this show. Oh wait, there already is a Susan Lucci on this show? And haha, Bruno said "tits" (once again, in reference to Cloris - shocking) and ABC was late on the bleeping. Ha.

Kim Kardashian and Mark Balas: In her intro package, Kim threw shopping bags and popped champagne - clearly, we're using the term "Stars" really loosely this season. Kim claims to have terrible balance, perhaps because of that booty? It's amazing she can stand without falling backwards. Kim looked confused through most of this routine, but much less so when Bruno proclaimed her "a treasure trove that needs to be made more available." Riiiight, because THAT's her problem.

Susan Lucci and Tony Dovolani: Ah Tony, how I missed your freakishly white teeth. This number was actually kind of painful - she's so tiny and seemed so nervous and lost. I have a feeling Susan Lucci will be the Susan Lucci of this season.

Misty-May Treanor and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: MAKS IS BACK WOOO! For a girl who goes to work in bare feet and no makeup, Misty-May cleans up goooood. The routine wasn't bad, and she does dance kind of mannish - but I really want to see her succeed, and I hope Maks can bring out her softer side.

Warren Sapp and Kym Johnson: Warren is kind of awesome, even though Kym almost ate the floor because he threw her so hard. It's about time the producers gave Ms Johnson a fighting chance at this thing. Expect good things from them.

So - who's going home? I'm thinking Jeffrey Ross or, if America has any sense, Cloris. What do you guys think?