Dancing with the Stars: You've Got to Be the Only Person in the World to Sell Such Nonsense as a Cha Cha Cha

Michael Flatley is here! And he's wearing a suit! And he's pretending to judge ballroom! Well, Halloween IS around the corner ...

Maurice and Cheryl: Maurice has the Viennese waltz, which does not lend itself to disco, and he becomes confused. The judges claim it wasn't very smooth (true), and Carrie Ann says they have no real chemistry (they don't - probably because Cheryl is prone to screaming at him for no reason). Maybe Maurice should picture his partner as a chicken dinner ....

Lance and Lacey: WOOO Chris Kirkpatrick and Joey Fatone join the fun! Joey picked a great time for a pep talk, and it seems to have paid off. Lacey really stayed out of the dance this time, and Lance really stepped up. Michael Flatley says its smoking! Yay, comeback kids.

Susan and Tony: Can Cameron Matheson come back on the show? Please? This dance was super awkward, and Susan didn't seem sure of the choreography during some parts of it, but what else is new? Oh wait - the judges seem to like it, sort of. That's new, and not totally deserved.

Brooke and Derek: Zomg, Brooke got hurt and lost a day in rehearsal. Not that it mattered. The judges think its underpar, except for Michael Flatley, who is over the moon. But he doesn't really count. I thought the dance looked fine, and these "low" scores (omg 8s!!!) are probably producer-created to give someone else a chance at the top of the leaderboard.

Cloris and Corky: Uh, no. And of all the couples to test the Lift Police, I didn't think it would have been these two. Michael Flatley was amazingly prepared to deal with Cloris ... perhaps I have underestimated the Lord. And Carrie Ann didn't pull any punches: "We lost Toni Braxton for this." Well said.

Cody and Julianne: This rehearsal footage was priceless, as Julianne spray painted poor Cody into a Brazilian oblivion. You may remember from past seasons that the samba is Julianne's favorite dance, and the samba week was when Apolo became the guy to beat. I thought Cody rocked this one, but the judges were pretty mixed here. But the biggest news: Julianne is having surgery to remove her appendix and Edyta will replace her next week. Oh, the drama.

Warren and Kym: This was a pretty decent rhumba for such a big guy. Michael Flatley likes Warren's sensitive side, Carrie Ann thinks it's sexy, and Bruno describes the dance as some kind of adult film. There were some mistakes in the routine, but the scores were still high.

Then (collective groan) the group hip-hop routine. Let's face it - we all knew Cloris was going to yell "what's up homeys" at some point. She wisely sits out most of the dancing during rehearsals. Maurice invents some kind of disco-hop style that never caught on for a reason and everyone else just acts as white as possible. And for those of you keeping score, "old school hip hop" differs from regular hip hop because it involves trucker hats, lycra, gangsta poses, and songs like "It Takes Two." Dear DWTS, let's not repeat this ever again.

I'm thinking the two worst hip-hoppers will be our bottom two - Susan and Cloris. The DWTS axe is long overdue for both of them.