Dancing with the Stars is back! Well, almost. Last week was the big announcement of the cast of Season 213, and once again, DWTS goes to great lengths to stretch the definition of the word "star." Let's take a peek at the highs, the lows, and the oh nos:
Lil' Kim and Derek Hough: I imagine the DWTS brainstorm session went something like this: "Damn that Stevie Wonder - we coulda had the first blind contestant ever! Now what do we do? We've done deaf, we've done old, hell we've even done one-legged! How do we top ourselves?!!!" Ah, yes, by having an ex-felon on. Because the average female viewer (and core audience demographic) really respects a woman in pasties. Thanks DWTS, just what America needs right now - more questionable role models for girls. Expect to see these guys gone first.
Steve-O and Lacey Schwimmer: Steve-O made his career out of being, literally, a jackass. Oh yeah, he's definitely taking this seriously. Another one I'm sure the moms out there will love.
Nancy O'Dell and Tony Dovolani: Nancy has Tony, so we know she's not going to win, thus - who cares?
Lawrence Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska: I love Edyta to pieces, and by giving her the football star history would imply the producers have finally thrown her a bone, but BOOOOOO GIANTS YOU SUCK. I'm sorry, I can't support this.
Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas: This is the couple I'm most excited about. Shawn is young enough to be in the DWTS Juniors Competition, but whatever. I love Mark, I love her, I have a feeling they're going to be a ton of fun. I'm already dying to see their freestyle routine - backflips galore!
Chuck Wicks and Julianne Hough: I have no idea who Chuck Wicks is, besides the fact that he's hot and dating Julianne. Since there will be obvious post-rehearsal practicing, I think he has an advantage (beyond the obvious advantage of having Julianne as a partner to begin with). Not totally sure what the producers are hoping for here - maybe the drama of a mid-season breakup? Ridiculously sexy rumba moves? A surprise appearence by Cody Linley during the live show in which he proposes to Julianne then cries?
Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke: Again, I have no idea who Gilles is. According to the DWTS website, he played Samantha's next door neighbor in Sex and the City: The Movie. You know, the full frontal guy. ABC says this role "has earned him international recognition." Mm-hmm.
Denise Richards and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Denise is famous for being hot and wackadoo. Maks is famous (on this show, anyway) for being hot and focused. Oh, there will be tears. Sweet sweet tears.
Steve Wozniak and Karina Smirnoff: Did Steve lose a bet? What on earth is he doing on Dancing with the Stars? The man co-founded Apple, for crying out loud. What does he have to prove? "Oh, whatever, so I can't tango. I'm still worth more than everyone else in this building COMBINED." And seriously, what did Karina do to deserve this pairing?
Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan Roberts: Ah Jonathan, how no one missed you and your chest hair last season. Seriously, put it away. You're scaring Shawn Johnson.
David Alan Grier and Kym Johnson: Guess who's not going to the finals this year? One of these days, Kym, one of these days you shall taste sweet Mirrorball victory .... but certainly not this season.
Ty Murray and OMFG Chelsie Hightower: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE CHELSIE!!!! I also love the way DWTS shamelessly poaches the most awesome talent off the far superior So You Think You Can Dance and makes it work here. I doubt that Ty can dance, but who cares. I love these guys already.
Jewel and OMFG Dmitry Chaplin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE DMITRY! I know the real story here is Jewel and Ty are married omg married people are competing now! how scandalous! but honestly, who cares. Jewel, you are way too good for this show, and Dmitry - what took you so long?
Obviously, much love is going out to my SYTYCD alums, and I'm super excited to see what Mark and Shawn can kick up - new season starts March 9! You can bet your Brunos I'll be there.
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