Dancing with the Stars: New Season, New Staircase Edition

Liiiiiiive! From Hollywood! It's season Who Cares I Lost Count of Dancing with the Stars! Well ladies and gents, the new cast is finally here, minus two couples that were supposed to be present. But wait! There's more! Replacement stars! With no training! The world. has. gone. crazy.

Lil' Kim and Derek Hough: Lil' Kim first watched Dancing with the Stars in prison. Um. And yes, they would be dancing to "Nasty Boys." But yet, no chemistry and lots of awkwardness ... yawn. A well-deserved score of 21.

Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan Roberts: Flat-footedness and sparkly gloves?! No no no no no. Also, these routines are 15 seconds long - useless.

Lawrence Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska: Yay Edyta! BOOO GIANTS NOOOOO! In all fairness, Lawrence got most of the steps correctly, even if he didn't show the panache of past football players on the show. I think he could be one to watch in the coming weeks.

Steve-O and Lacey Schwimmer: Whoa whoa whoa, Wee-man is in the audience? What? Steve-O claims being Caucasian and in rehab counts as a disability on this show. I am inclined to agree, but color me surprised - he actually has some potential. Technically meh, but I honestly liked their routine. And has Lacey ever looked better? Loving the peacock dress, seriously.

Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke: I am still unsure as to who Gilles Marini is, so it is a bit weird that I have seen his man parts. (Cheryl has apparently not seen the Sex and the City movie, because she keeps calling him a girl in rehearsals.) The producers seem to be having their own love affair with Gilles (was it 100% necessary to close-up on the ass-grab?), and it seems like Cheryl might have a fighting chance this season. Another couple to watch.

Chuck Wicks and Julianne Hough: Oooo, they're dating in real life omg scandal! I gotta say, in addition to being the best looking couple out there, they're pretty damn good (is anyone surprised?). I really liked the choreography here, and I think they could go pretty far on the basis of being adorable. Small demerit for invoking the Lift Police, but whatever.

Holly Madison and Dmitry Chaplin: Ugh, Holly is replacing Jewel. Do. Not. Want. But Dmitry - Yes. Want. Please. But I do give them credit for completely winging this on live television. That being said, Holly apparently took classes from the Susan Lucci School for Fledgling Birds. I will continue to root for them (though the feminist in me is crying out in pain) simply because I am forced to remain loyal to my other favorite dance show.

Ty Murray and Chelsie Hightower: Full disclosure: Chelsie was one of my favorites on So You Think You Can Dance last season. I find Ty's goofiness and reluctance to actually dance kind of adorable, and while forgetting the dance was pretty bad, I still want to see them go through to the next round.

Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas: These guys were my favorites going into this season, and I still think they're the ones to beat. Perfectly lovely, and easily the best couple of the night - I'm so excited to see what else they do this season.

Steve Wozniak and Karina Smirnoff: Oh dear. On the plus side, I didn't watch Steve at all because I was so flabbergasted at Karina's outfit - I think that might be the raciest costume ever on DWTS. Bruno called Steve a Teletubbie, which is kind of hilarious, but again - did no one else notice Karina was more or less naked?

David Alan Grier and Kym Johnson: David is on DWTS because he wants "free dance shoes and sexual favors." 1 out of 2 ain't bad. David is one of those unfortunate people who thinks he is funny but is in fact quite tragic. Poor Kym - I'm over them already.

Denise Richards and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Oh, the tears have already started. That didn't take long. Denise looks kind of awkward, but hopefully Maks can work that out in the coming weeks.

Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani: Uh, "star"? I'll refrain from my usual snarkiness here, because Melissa has been through enough recently. (Side note: Is Melissa smoking hot or what? Jason, you're an idiot in addition to being a jerk). Since DWTS had no injury footage to show, it only makes sense they would show the cringe-inducing replay of Melissa being dumped on national television. But amazingly, they were one of the best couples of the night, despite having only 30 seconds of rehearsal. Good for her.

All in all, a promising start to the season. Looking forward to next week's show, which will be complete with an elimination. And now, to bed.