Dancing with the Stars: And the Winner Is ....

... A DELICIOUS UPSET!!!!

My favorite part about the finals? When they do the flashbacks starting from the beginning of the season and you realize you forgot about 6 of these people were even on the show. Denise Richards? Holly Madison? The Woz? Belinda Carlisle? Geez it's been a long season. And yes, watching these guys dance is still as painful as ever. Why do you torment me, DWTS? Isn't this supposed to be a happy night?

Oh, and we get to learn which faux-professional gets to be on next season. Because I know you were dying to find out. It's Anna. Welcome Anna, welcome to the chaos. Watch out for that section by the judges table - it's cursed by Drew Lachey.

Lucky us - Jeffrey Ross is here to not be funny and roast the finalists. In addition to being really annoying, this came off as mean-spirited (yes, I know it's a roast), although he was not completely wrong: "This is the first season where no stars have made it to the finals [...] I didnt realize this show was called Dancing with the Vaguely Familiar" True, yes, but still mean. Melissa was all "it's true tee hee," Shawn was all "eff you dude, I have an OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL," and Gilles seemed heartbroken because he was under the impression that showing his "cha cha" in the god-awful Sex and the City movie did made him famous. Oh and let's make fun of the Woz's weight. Get it? He's not skinny! Har har har. Oh and Melissa got dumped on national television! Hahaha let's all laugh at her and humiliate her some more. Dear DWTS, can we lose this crapshow next season? Please?

An hour and twenty minutes into this never ending finale, we finally get to see the finalists dance. There's not really much to remark here, since we've seen all this before, but at least the judges were nice to Shmark!

And now, finally, the results. Third place goes to Melissa and Tony, no big surprise. It's incredible that she made the finals after coming on the show with only 2 days of preparation. And kudos to Tony too - he did a great job with her this season. Closest results ever (less than 1%), and THANK YOU AMERICA for getting this one right! That's right Cheryl, wipe that smirk off your face because no one cares about your sexy! Shawn and Mark are the champions! They battled undeserved judges' criticism and producer conspiracies, but they did it! (and how adorable was their completely genuine reaction? love.)

Well, after 1248617 weeks, this season has come to a wonderful close. Thanks for staying with me, and you can bet your sparkly britches I'll be recapping next fall.