Dancing with the Stars: What We Have Here is Catherine Zeta Shaaaawn

The semifinals are here! It's down to a cowboy, an Olympian, a naked man, and a girl America still feels sorry for. It's time to pony up or shut up and aaaaa Mark what is with the eyeliner?

For whatever reason, we are made to watch past performances while the couples provide commentary on how awesome they are. Two hours, people. We gotta stretch this to two hours.

Melissa and Tony: Quickstep - Tony deserves major kudos for choreographing such a cute quickstep - pure Hollywood glamour. Bruno and Carrie Ann claim it wasn't exhilirating enough, but isn't part of that problem music-related? "I've Got Rhythm" doesn't have the fastest tempo to begin with ... I think that's kind of unfair, especially since it was technically sound. Cha Cha Cha - Another weird musical selection here, and I think had they had a faster song they could have brought more of a Latin feel - but "Save the Last Dance" is really more of a foxtrot song. Since this is the second time in one night these guys were given a blah song, I'm going to cry CONSPIRACY! DWTS why must you be so shady?

Gilles and Cheryl: Waltz - Gilles with his hair slicked back reminds me of a cross between Antonio Bandares and a former dance teacher of mine. Oh wait, the dancing - well, I think this routine was exactly what Bruno and Carrie Ann were babbling about with Melissa and Tony - it wasnt exciting. But oh wait, this time it's okay! Because it's Gilles and Cheryl! And DWTS has to make sure they win! Salsa - Maracas, not sexy. Sparkly sleeveless oxfords, pajama pants, and purple slippers? Not sexy either. I can acknowledge that Gilles danced this very well, but I was left underwhelmed ... not that it matters. Because the judges love it, obviously. Gilles could do the running man and they would give it a 10. Oh, did you know Gilles and Cheryl are sexy? Did you know they will take their sexy to the sexy finals to win a sexy trophy while being sexy?

Shawn and Mark: Argentine Tango - I have been waiting for Shmark to get their Buenos Aires on all season. And it.was.awesome. Those lifts! Those lines! The precision! The Shmark! The long overdue perfect score! Jive - I think the jive is Mark's favorite dance because it gives him free range to pull even more ridiculous faces than usual. That being said, this was adorable. It seemed like there were some synchronicity issues here and there, but whatever. Still love them. The judges still underrate them - an 8?! WTF CONSPIRACY!

Ty and Chelsie: Viennese Waltz - I love watching Ty, even when he's clomping around instead of gliding. He's obviously better at the ballroom dances, but I do think his time on DWTS has run its course, sadly. Samba - "The samba is supposed to be like a party, but it's more like a pain in the ass with a bunch of steps you have to remember." HA. Oh Ty, the only thing I love more than your sound bites is the fact that you have to shake your entire body in order to shake your booty.

It won't happen, but I'm hoping for a sexy backlash that sends Gilles' sexy ass packing and Cheryl left to shed sexy tears.