New Dancing with the Stars Cast Announced

Dear Lord, is it really that time of year again? That scary time when every Monday and Tuesday our TV sets are invaded by sparkles, salsas, and (shudder) Samantha Harris? Sadly, dear friends, Dancing with the Stars is coming back this fall with SIXTEEN new celebrities to prolong my torture and question our definition of the word "celebrity."

Since we don't know which professional has been assigned to which "star", it's impossible to handicap this season just yet. I mention "handicap" because if this season is anything like last spring, by the time everyone finishes hurting themselves in rehearsal there will only be 6 couples left anyway.

Here we go again:

Michael Irvin - Three-time SuperBowl champion, former Dallas Cowboy, blah blah. Football players traditionally do well on this show. Well, except for that one guy.

Melissa Joan Hart - Sigh. I've always wanted an excuse to dust off my Clarissa Explains it All references. I might as well get this out of the way now:

That's better.

Mark Dascascos - I'm told he is on Iron Chef. And is a martial arts artist? Like Gilles Marini of last year, he is not famous. Unlike Gilles, he does not possess the All-Important Sexy.

Macy Gray - Macy is 6 feet tall. This will not end well. "I try to say goodbye and I choke; tray walk away and I stumblllle...."

Louis Vito - Louis is a professional snowboarder on his way to the 2010 Olympics. He is also 21, so my hope is that he will be partnered with Chelsie or Julianne and then all his snowboarder friends will be like "gnarly babe you got there, dude" or whatever it is snowboarders say in these types of situations. And by "these types of situations" I mean "one of your Olympic teammates goes on a nationally televised dance show with a strong history of leaving injured people in its wake months before it's time to compete." We're talking the OLYMPICS, young man. This shiz only comes around every 4 years. You couldn't have waited a season? You need to samba that badly?

Chuck Liddell - Oh goody, let's all collectively prepare ourselves for lame jokes about Chuck going after the judges for giving him bad scores. Or becoming the Ultimate Dancing Champion. Ugh.

Kelly Osbourne - Really, Kelly? Really? This is what you choose to do with your time? On the bright side, we should definitely be in for some f-bomb-on-live-tv awkwardness.

Tom DeLay - SCCCCCHLLLLOOOOOOOMMMMMPPPP. That was the sound of a DWTS-created black hole sucking out all that made sense in the universe. Ladies and gentleman, may I present Tom DeLay, Latin lover and salsa king. And so it begins.

Natalie Coughlin - Gold medalists have a great track record on the dance floor, and Natalie is pretty. Win-win. (Although, plz to get male swimmers on the show? Kthxbai)

Mya - Mya danced in the movie version of Chicago, remember? If not, no worries - I'm sure they'll mention it at least 435637 times.

Drew Lachey - Just kidding. But you wouldn't be surprised, would you?

Joanna Krupa - Joanna is a model, which means she will go home in the first two weeks. Presumably after Macy Gray.

Kathy Ireland - My sister: "as in, the person who makes my luggage?" Yes, yes it is.

Ashley Hamilton - No lie, I totally thought Ashley was a woman until I saw his photo. I bet that happens a lot. He's also billed as "son of George Hamilton." This guy's got enough problems already - get out while you still can, sir.

Debi Mazar - Debi dear, you are way too fabulously edgy for this show. But at least you'll look great in the costumes.

Donny Osmond - We all knew this day would come. But that doesn't make me any more prepared for it.

Aaron Carter - Dear Aaron, you are no Cody Linley, so get your perfectly coiffed blonde hair and boy band grin away from me. That is all.