Dancing with the Stars: Len is Grumpy Edition

After last night's cornucopia of corny goodness, the ladies of Season 9 are strutting their stuff in the second half of the longest season premiere in television history. Historically, the female contestants tend to go home first for a myriad of reasons - the focus in ballroom is on the woman, women's mistakes are more obvious , dancing in heels, being partnered with Alec Mazo, etc.

The show opened with another Vegas-like routine, this time involving lots of feathers and sparkles and "She's a Lady," because ZOMG LADIES NIGHT. As usual, Dancing with the Stars is as subtle as Bruno's accent. Next week, I expect the opening numbers will be danced to "Let's Hear It for the Boy" and "She's Always a Woman to Me." Or "The Boys Are Back in Town" and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." Take your pick. Oh, and I meant to point this out last night, but I miss Julianne already.

Debi and Maks: When I heard these two were dancing together, I approved. Shauna from Entourage meets Maks "Dancing is not a democracy" Chmerkovskiy? Perfection, assuming they don't out ball-bust each other. Maks thinks she talks too much because he'd prefer a partner that doesn't talk back (like a mirror), and I think Debi should just kick his ass and call it a day. Salsa: Debi really needs to work on her arms, and Maks is under the impression that Shirtless Suspenders Chic is still in style. I think Debi may be better suited to the classical ballroom dances, because her limbs are so long that she doesn't quite know what to do with them. Carrie Ann wants more sass, Bruno likes her boobs. I say, judge the dancing! And what was with Maks trying to bogart her interview with "you have lipstick all over your face"?! Is he drunk? Or just a bigger egomaniac than usual?

Melissa Joan and Mark: Yay, I love Melissa Joan! Having Mark Ballas as a partner as a huge advantage since he's a two-time winner/hottie. Granted, the last two women he took to the finals were Olympic champions, but I'm still rooting for these guys. Viennese Waltz: This was so much better than I thought it was going to be. Her shoulders kept creeping up, but she has a lot of natural grace and elegance that I think will serve her well going forward.

Mya and Dmitry: I expect Mya to be good, seeing as she's a performer and she was in Chicago and all. Plus, the producers owe Dmitry one after sticking him with Holly Madison last year. Either way, Dmitry is a wayyyy more likeable Russian than Maks. Viennese Waltz: Um, wow. Is it really only week one? LOVED this routine - Mya looked like a princess, and Dmitry is such a perfect Prince Charming. The choreography was fabulous too, and the routine got a well-deserved standing ovation. Len claims it didn't adhere to the rules of the American Smooth Waltz or some nonsense, which caused Bruno to get all shouty and yell ZHAT WAS AHTISTRY and other unintelligable things. Carrie Ann and Bruno give them well-deserved 8's, Len takes his cranky pants to the bank and gives them a 5.

Breaking News: Baz Luhrmann is guest judging next week. SQUEE!

Kathy and Tony: Models traditionally go home early, so I had my doubts about Kathy from the start. The rehearsal footage was not encouraging, especially when Kathy said she was once asked to leave an aerobics class. Making her do Latin dance seems cruel. Salsa: Painful. Mess. Painful mess. And the fact that she's taller than Tony isn't helping. "Salsa is sex," claims Bruno, "with no sex it doesn't work." Strange, but I know what he means. It's happening, I am becoming Bruno. In her interview, Kathy claims she has never walked in high heels and says that her dancing is God's work. I doubt either of those things are true.

Natalie and Alec: Aww, what did Natalie do to deserve Alec? Natalie's a beautiful girl, but will she be more Misty-May than Kristi/Shawn? Signs point to yes. Salsa: Most. Annoying. Song. Ever. Natalie has lots of potential and is in perfect physical condition, but needs to get more comfortable onstage. Len, for once, is complaining that it's not sexy enough. Not to agree with Len, but it was a little tame.

Macy and Jonathan: This had trainwreck written on it from the start. I can't watch. Viennese Waltz: Strange. Just .... strange. The judges seem confused, but Bruno manages to sum up the dance perfectly: "It was like a child taking his first steps into a scary new world. What is happening here? Who am I? What am I doing?" You know things have taken a turn for the crazy when Bruno starts making sense.

Joanna and Derek: Oh look, it's Barbie and Ken. Derek, stop flirting with the models, you're making everyone uncomfortable. Salsa: AAA FRINGE JUMPSUIT! BURN IT WITH FIRE! Joanna is definitely the best female dancer out there, and the judges went wild, but I thought Derek's routine didn't use the floor enough. But it's pretty obvious these guys will be around for awhile.

Kelly and Louis: Aww, Kelly I love you already! Also, Ozzy Osbourne is on Dancing with the Stars. I don't know what the hell is happening, but I like it. Viennese Waltz: Louis is known for pushing his partners, and it seems to have paid off with Kelly. They even did the first illegal lift of the season! And as weird as it sounds, the Osbournes are kind of adorable. Len proclaims it the best Viennese Waltz of the night. I concur.

Relay dance time - the foxtrot is up first. Turns out Natalie and Debi are much better at this style, while Kathy and Joanna got a little tripped up. The judges think Joanna was great, which is strange since she missed so many steps and her arms were wild - are they to be this season's producers' pets?

Cha Cha relay! Watch yourself! I had a feeling Mya was going to kill this, and she did. Macy killed too, but for a different reason. Kelly and Melissa Joan are infectiously cute. The judges gave Mya the win here, which was on point.

So who's going home tomorrow night? I'm thinking Macy Gray and/or Ashley Hamilton.
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