An Open Letter to 3D

Dear Third Dimension,

I am writing in response to the recent news that Ratatouille is being re-released in 3D, and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides will be released in 3D. Clearly, you have a hidden agenda to take over the world.

When Jeffrey Katzenberg first announced that you were the way of the future, I hoped he was wrong. I wanted you to be a fad – like Smell-O-Vision, or you know, the first wave of 3D. And for awhile, you were contained to mostly animated films and theme park attractions and our relationship was manageable.

But then James Cameron had to make an entire movie around you and now you’ve become the Hot New Thing. And let’s be clear: you were James Cameron’s shiny new toy. Nothing more. He didn’t even respect you enough to make a decent movie around you. James was sitting around eating ice cream in his pajamas when all of a sudden Ferngully: The Last Rainforest was on cable and he mused, “I could make this movie but with humans who I will pay to say nonsense words and occasionally run around. And you know what? I will make it 3D, because 3D is silly and it would amuse me so.” Then James yawned and some dollar bills floated out.

Do you read me, 3D? You are nothing more than a gimmick, a mere pawn in James Cameron’s rich-person boredom, a conduit to show the world that his filmmaking genius cannot be contained in two dimensions. Guess what, world? James Cameron is capable of doing a rack focus in 3D!

Unfortunately, James Cameron unleashed a beast when he brought you into the mainstream. Soon, Hollywood executives realized they could put a 3D label on just about everything and charge an extra $6 admission. Instant box office! And it didn’t even matter if the movie wasn’t filmed in 3D to begin with. Studios could just pay a couple film school interns a week’s worth of Starbucks to add on some of your 3D gloss, then call up the marketing guys and say, “Rework the poster! We’re doing this in 3D now!”

To quote a movie that broke box office records and was not released in 3D, with great power comes great responsibility. And 3D, you’ve let us all down. It’s like you’re not even trying anymore. Sure, it can be fun seeing some of my favorite movies re-released with your stamp on them. But I would probably still see those movies re-released even if you weren’t involved. And my attendance at 3D Pixar movies does not give you permission to put yourself all over ever other movie ever made – past, present, future.

In the end, your presence is degrading the very industry you’re trying to revolutionize. And maybe one day, Hollywood will realize it doesn’t need you to be successful, because your gimmicks are no match for what good storytelling and great acting can bring to the screen. You spend all my popcorn money, and what do I get in return? Nothing, except the occasional seizure. It’s like you don’t respect me anymore. And so, we’re breaking up. Frankly, I’m just not that into you anymore.

Farewell,

The Disney Chick

P.S. To be fair, the 3D rack focus in Avatar was kick-ass. But it still wasn’t worth the $18 admission.
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Related Links:
* Sorcerer's Apprentice: A Post-Mortem.
* Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Plot Makes Me Eat My Words
* Fixing Walt Disney Studios in Five Steps or Less