Troy Aikman is Bad at Secrets and Other Dancing with the Stars News

After a night out, NFL legend Troy Aikman recently announced to reporters that he was going to be part of the new season of Dancing with the Stars. In addition to ruining ABC's whole "it's our show and we pay you and we make the cast announcement with great fanfare so please enjoy this confidentiality clause" thing, Aikman's spillage of beans begs the question - who else is on Season 11?

Well, maybe not Troy Aikman. Because apparently he was just kidding. There are three likely scenarios here:

1. He is going to be on the show and is doing some of the worst backpedaling I've ever seen in an attempt to save face with ABC.

2. He was going to be on the show and then ABC execs fired him for blabbing and now everyone is pretending like nothing happened.

3. He is not going to be on the show and does not understand how humor (or the Internet) works.

Okay, so if Aikman is out, who's in? There's a rumor going around that national treasure The Situation is a possibility for next season. This seems ridiculous for two reasons - the third season of Jersey Shore is currently filming, and Dancing with the Stars is a live, family show. Also, I watch Jersey Shore and I've seen The Situation dance. So.

Johnny Weir's name gets mentioned every year, but after rival Evan Lysacek's successful run, Weir might step up to the plate this time. Another name that's always in the pot? Paula Abdul, who desperately needs to redeem her public image but she also used to be a professional dancer, so casting her seems unfair. Judging by past seasons, I boldly predict that Season 11 will feature:

Token ABC Soap Star
Former Olympian
Current Olympian
NFL Legend
2-3 Reality TV Stars
2-3 Child Actors
Old Person
Comedian Who Will Lose in the First Round
Model
Country Singer
Non-NFL Sports Star

Season 11 starts Monday, September 20. Let the wild speculation begin!
---
Related Links:
* An Ode to Samantha Harris
* Fashion with the Stars: It's Gonna Be a Sparkly Season!

An Open Letter to 3D

Dear Third Dimension,

I am writing in response to the recent news that Ratatouille is being re-released in 3D, and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides will be released in 3D. Clearly, you have a hidden agenda to take over the world.

When Jeffrey Katzenberg first announced that you were the way of the future, I hoped he was wrong. I wanted you to be a fad – like Smell-O-Vision, or you know, the first wave of 3D. And for awhile, you were contained to mostly animated films and theme park attractions and our relationship was manageable.

But then James Cameron had to make an entire movie around you and now you’ve become the Hot New Thing. And let’s be clear: you were James Cameron’s shiny new toy. Nothing more. He didn’t even respect you enough to make a decent movie around you. James was sitting around eating ice cream in his pajamas when all of a sudden Ferngully: The Last Rainforest was on cable and he mused, “I could make this movie but with humans who I will pay to say nonsense words and occasionally run around. And you know what? I will make it 3D, because 3D is silly and it would amuse me so.” Then James yawned and some dollar bills floated out.

Do you read me, 3D? You are nothing more than a gimmick, a mere pawn in James Cameron’s rich-person boredom, a conduit to show the world that his filmmaking genius cannot be contained in two dimensions. Guess what, world? James Cameron is capable of doing a rack focus in 3D!

Unfortunately, James Cameron unleashed a beast when he brought you into the mainstream. Soon, Hollywood executives realized they could put a 3D label on just about everything and charge an extra $6 admission. Instant box office! And it didn’t even matter if the movie wasn’t filmed in 3D to begin with. Studios could just pay a couple film school interns a week’s worth of Starbucks to add on some of your 3D gloss, then call up the marketing guys and say, “Rework the poster! We’re doing this in 3D now!”

To quote a movie that broke box office records and was not released in 3D, with great power comes great responsibility. And 3D, you’ve let us all down. It’s like you’re not even trying anymore. Sure, it can be fun seeing some of my favorite movies re-released with your stamp on them. But I would probably still see those movies re-released even if you weren’t involved. And my attendance at 3D Pixar movies does not give you permission to put yourself all over ever other movie ever made – past, present, future.

In the end, your presence is degrading the very industry you’re trying to revolutionize. And maybe one day, Hollywood will realize it doesn’t need you to be successful, because your gimmicks are no match for what good storytelling and great acting can bring to the screen. You spend all my popcorn money, and what do I get in return? Nothing, except the occasional seizure. It’s like you don’t respect me anymore. And so, we’re breaking up. Frankly, I’m just not that into you anymore.

Farewell,

The Disney Chick

P.S. To be fair, the 3D rack focus in Avatar was kick-ass. But it still wasn’t worth the $18 admission.
---
Related Links:
* Sorcerer's Apprentice: A Post-Mortem.
* Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Plot Makes Me Eat My Words
* Fixing Walt Disney Studios in Five Steps or Less

Beef Bites, Old Piedmont Style - Epcot Food & Wine Festival

It's been far too long since I've had any Disney food in my kitchen, so this week I decided to make a Food & Wine Festival classic - beef bites! This is an out-of-the-box recipe using beef, and it's a hearty one, so be prepared for leftovers (they reheat well). Oh, and did I mention this involves a chocolate & red wine sauce?

Ingredients:
1.5 lb. beef tenderloin
1 pint red wine
3.5 oz. white onions
3 oz. dark chocolate, cut into chips
3 oz. butter
6 drams fresh thyme (dram = 3/4 teaspoon)
8 whole cloves
black pepper to taste
1 dram cinnamon
1 bay leaf
salt to taste

To Make:
1. Cut the beef into small bites and marinate it with wine, cloves, cinnamon, crushed black peppercorns and bay leaf. Put into a container and keep in fridge for 12 hours, stirring from time to time.

2. Clean and slice the onions, then sweat them in butter.

3. Drain the meat from the marinade and add the meat to the stewed onion, cooking for a few minutes.

4. Add the marinade and the thyme (without its woody parts), and keep cooking on a low heat.

5. When the meat is cooked through, discard the bay leaf, add the chocolate and season with salt and pepper to taste.

 
You can serve these little beauties with polenta, potatoes, or if you're like me - pasta!
 

 
Bellissimo!
 
Related Links:
* Tillamook Cheddar Mac and Cheese - Artist Point, Wilderness Lodge
* Dulce de Leche - Food & Wine Festival
* Curry Butternut Soup - Boma, Animal Kingdom Lodge

Sorcerer's Apprentice: A Post-Mortem.

Walt Disney Pictures (and the egos of Jerry Bruckheimer and Nicolas Cage) suffered a major blow over the weekend, as Sorcerer's Apprentice opened to a piddling $17.4 million at the box office, finishing in third place behind Inception and Despicable Me. Some would say the movie was cursed, and I haven't seen the film yet, but I think the blame lies with five key elements gone wrong:

The PG rating: This was the biggest problem of all. The cast would suggest the film has an older audience, but then Disney gave the film a PG rating and tried to spin it as a "family film." Families do not want to take kids to see this movie because it stars that kid from Tropic Thunder and the trailer is full of scary fighting scenes. You know who would want to see that movie? Teenagers and adults. But adults don't go see PG movies on date night, and teenagers are like, so whatever about those "baby" films. You know what they go see? Inception, because it's rated PG-13.

The Star: Look, I love Jay Baruchel as much as the next person. Really, I do. I think he's very funny, and can be charming without becoming Michael Cera-esque (in other words, annoying). But do I think he's a leading man? No. And he's not even not a leading man in that way that Justin Long or Jesse Eisenberg are not leading men. You know - where you don't expect them to be leading men until they are leading men and then all of sudden the world explodes into geek-cute. Jay is not that guy. And as I mentioned before, Jay's fan base (coeds and frat boys who quote lines from Knocked Up on a regular basis) are not going to shell our their hard-earned beer money to watch Jay in a PG wizard movie. It's just not going to happen.

The Kung-Fu: Oh man, kung-fu is soooo three weeks ago. Seriously, the summer of 2010 will forever be known as The Summer of Mediocre Family Films About Martial Arts. Between The Karate Kid (which I refuse to see on principle) and The Last Airbender, audiences are over kung-fu. And I know studios love to put martial arts in movies because it guarantees them success internationally, but next time, make sure you open your kung-fu movie first. The movie poster for Sorcerer's Apprentice was also strikingly similar to that of the The Last Airbender, which is confusing. And that brings me to .....

The Marketing: The tagline for this movie was "It's the Coolest Job Ever." What does that even mean? What is this movie about? That tagline could apply to a host of different genres and films - The Bourne Identity, The Pacifier, even the upcoming The Social Network. How is Jay Baruchel's wizarding a "job"? Does he get paid for it? If one is "called" to be a wizard, then is that really the same thing as having an occupation? Do you get dental? Is being a wizard a chore? Or does he do it for free because he likes having fight scenes in Chinatown so much?

The Concept: The story behind Pirates of the Caribbean was very easy to understand - hey, remember that ride you love so much? We made it into a movie. Not so with Sorcerer's Apprentice, where many kids do not get (or care about) the Fantasia reference, and where the tie-in is still confusing to the rest of us - hey, remember that silent movie with the classical music? Remember the broom scene with all the water? This is that scene, but live-action. Plus other things. Oh, and Nicolas Cage plays a homeless man with magical powers. And did I mention the kung-fu? Audiences LOVE kung-fu!

Here's what the suits at Walt Disney Pictures will likely say was the cause:

Sorcerer's Apprentice was not a sequel, and audiences didn't want to see a non-Harry Potter wizard movie. Best way to move on is to make more sequels, since we know those will be a hit. Hey, has anyone seen my script for the live-action Rescuers Down Under lying around?

Sigh.
---
Related Links:
* Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Plot Makes Me Eat My Words
* Fixing Walt Disney Studios in Five Steps or Less
* National Treasure 3: We've Got Writers

Meet the New Minnie Mouse. Then Back Away Slowly.

When I say sexy, you say Minnie Mouse! SEXY! MINNIE MOUSE! SEXY! MINNIE MOUSE! Sounds ridiculous, and yet ... this.
 
Forever 21 is partnering with Disney Consumer Products to offer a new line of Minnie Mouse branded items in which Minnie gets a new look. Call it a makeover. And by "makeover," I mean "now looks like a person with a mouse head."

The Disney Blog pointed out that the writing was (literally) on the wall for this, if you've seen the image of Minnie that's currently in the Trend-D store in Downtown Disney.

(image via The Disney Blog)

When I saw this in the store, I didn't think, "Hey, Minnie looks so fun and glamorous now!" I was more curious to know why Minnie was wearing Pamela Anderson's shoes.

Let's look at the evidence. According to Disney Consumer Products, the new style "is fresh and portrays Minnie Mouse in a way no one has ever seen her before, leggy, modern and glamorous."

(Images via Disney Dreaming)

Sorry, but "Minnie Mouse Off to the Runway" looks like she is on her way back from getting wasted at a Fashion Week after party. The crooked bow, the heavy lids, the off-kilter stance - you've been doing something naughty, haven't you, Minnie? (Ew.) And is she not wearing any pants? Did they actually go so far as to give Minnie white legs? (Minnie, being a mouse, would actually have black legs to match her face.) Or are they supposed to be leggings, which are never - never - an acceptable substitute for pants, and no "glamorous" women would ever wear them as such?

More distressing, this incarnation of Minnie removes the "mouse" entirely. Apparently no one at Disney or Forever 21 realized that the reason no one has ever seen Minnie as being "leggy" before is because SHE IS A MOUSE. Humans have long leggy legs. Mice do not. Mice-people are creepy.

I could write a whole separate post on the problem that Leggy Modern Glamorous Minnie Mouse poses in the message she sends to her target audience, mainly impressionable tweenage girls. The stick-insect legs, the heavy makeup, the stilettos - the next thing you know, Minnie will be hanging out with Jessica Rabbit and smoking cigarettes behind the school with the Bratz dolls.

Maybe Leggy Modern Glamorous Minnie Mouse will take off and become a sensation. But I really hope not. And as for me, I'll be taking my Leggy Modern Glamorous self over to the Disney Store, where you can find a classic, sweeter Minnie - even if she does have stumpy legs.

This post is part of the DisMarks blog carnival - check it out for more great Disney posts.
---
Related Links:
* The Problem with Disney Princesses
* Disney's Real Leading Ladies
* Finally! A Princess I Can Get Behind

Free Shipping on Disney Parks Merchandise through July 13, 2010

I begin searching through my purse. "Waaaaalllllet, where are you? Disney Parks is offering free shipping right now."

"NOOOOO" cries my wallet. "We just got back from WDW. What could you possibly need to buy?"

"Shut it, leatherface!" I retort. "The Disney Parks Store is offering free shipping from July 7 - July 13. Now I can buy all those things you made me resist when we were in WDW a month ago. And they will come right to my door. For free. All I have to do is enter the code PARKSFREE at checkout."

"But how will we eat?" asks the wallet.

"Who cares about food? Staring at my Dooney & Bourke wristlet will fill my belly .... with happiness. And all those pins that I wanted to buy that you made me put back? Soon, they will be MINE."

"All right," grumbles the wallet, "you win. Go forth, and spend wisely."

---
Related Links:
* Disney Budget: When You Wish Upon an All-Star
* The 10 Best Things About Downtown Disney